So here recently, I’ve been on a journey. A journey that I never thought I would ever go on.. I was brought to my lowest of lows; I was torn to pieces, and felt ultimately alone in this BIG scary world. I felt very exposed. There were countless days were anxiety suffocated me and I just…broke. I felt emotions that needed to be felt, that I never knew existed. There were days I cried out to God and just felt unheard and abandoned.. Prayer after prayer was spoken, my heart cried out to God to mend my brokenness. To take away the pain that I was dragging around. In a way, I felt as if he had forgotten all about me and left me out to dry. He brought me to the end of myself..
One night as I was driving home from school, I was just SO fed up with God. So instead of going straight home, I pulled over into this patch of grass, and I just let him have it. All the pain and hurt I was carrying, I just poured it all out on Him. It was as if I was beating Him with it. Every tear that was shed, every ounce of anger I had towards Him, was all oozing out of me that night.
After letting it all out, I get out and sit on top of my car and watched the sunset and found myself listened to the birds chirping and the sound of little kids playing at the park across the street. I found myself staring at the road and how far down it went. Tears falling from my eyes, I thought to myself “this road just keeps on going…” I close my eyes as I felt the warmth of the salty tears fall down my cheeks, I heard a still soft voice say, “This has been a hard road and there are a couple more rough patches coming up.. but I'm still faithful. I'm still here with arm wide open."
Emotionally exhausted, I leave and life still sucked…
Weeks passed and nothing felt as if it were changing.
But one morning, in my quite time with Jesus, he met me where I was. And when I say met, I mean with every heart ache, every concern, every worry, every fear, and every ounce of anger that was within me, He tenderly met me there.
You see, if you didn't know, I struggle daily with who I am as a person and who I am in God.
In my crazy chaotic brain of mine, I have this image that in a way, is very degrading to myself. I fight myself on the way I look, the way my body is shaped. Let’s just say, self-image is one of my many weaknesses.. but as I struggle with who I am, I am noticing how much society throws so many lies to us. Lies that, we believe those lies scream at us and eventually end up polluting our mind.
As I observed around me that morning, God was showing me very much so, the ways of this world. Actually, in the past few weeks I have been seeing more and more, the lies of this world, the greed and many who suffer at the hands of wickedness. The Bible says we do not belong here and that we are "aliens" to this world and lately that has never been more evident. Verse 3&4 of Psalm 101 pretty much sums up my day that morning "I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless. I hate the work of those who fall away; it shall not cling to me. A perverse heart shall be far from me; I will know nothing of evil"
Later on in the day, I was flipping through my bible, and landed on Hosea and started flipping through to see what I could find. I turn to chapter 7 and just start randomly reading different verses
And to be honest, In a way I really wanted this passage to be about the prodigal son.. He does something wrong and then comes running home. With the father waiting on him.
But it's not.
Ephriam is in and out of control. While the people of Israel are so crazed with self-indulgence that they can hardly tell what day it is..
They just cra cra..
After reading this passage over and over again, it dawned on me.. God has never changed.
God’s character never changes. His one face is righteousness. His one word is holiness. And His one undying, unrelenting call for His people is love.
And as the ever-faithful God, He remains. Even as His anger burns over the unfaithfulness of His People, He forgives me. He provides for me. He gives me a fresh start. And even, in His severe mercy, He withholds good things from me that I might return to Him.
While Israel bases its bets with other gods, (me trying to put my faith in other things then him) He still has all His money on His one, true love.
I am His one, true love. Wherever i am, whatever I’ve done, whatever anyone else thinks of me, and however long it’s been since the last time I have really just called Him faithful- He hasn’t changed.
He wants to give me good things. He wants me to delight in Him, to come to Him to supply my needs, to come to Him when i am lonely or happy or angry. He wants relationship, and He wants it with Me.
Even when things are rough, He. Hasn’t. Changed.
I have to be honest, there are moments that the broken i felt is still here, the empty prayers are still prayed, and the pain I felt, is still felt at some point… I confess i still get scared sometimes; but His perfect love comes rushing in. And all the lies screamed inside go silent, the moment He beg. He reminds me of the things forgotten, He unwinds me until I’m totally undone, and His arms around me. Fear was no match for His love.
So as I sit here tonight, I realize that I am not the only one. In Christ we are so many things.
You are beautiful
You are unique
You are loved
You are Created with a purpose
You are Special
You are chosen
You are worthy of love and affection
You are never too much, and you are always enough.
You are precious.
You are a diamond, a rose, a pearl.
The most stunning of all God's creation.
You are worth more than you could ever imagine.
Worth more than a number on a scale; the products you use; how you look; number of followers you have on Twitter;
Your worth surpasses all earthly things, because in the eyes of the Lord, you are loved and you are worth dying for. DYING FOR.
You are strong and capable. Any voices in your mind that try to tell you differently, are from the enemy.
Regardless of who you think you are. Cheerleader, geek, popular, nerd, or you never had any one to call a friend. Whether you love yourself and love your life. Or you can't stand to look in the mirror and you feel as if everything in your life is falling apart. Whether you are such a winner or you feel like the world’s biggest failure. Regardless of who you think you are, the reality is that Jesus gave up His life for YOU!
You are no longer a slave to this world, you are a child of God!
“Yet the lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him." Isaiah 30:18
“But they do not consider that I remember all their evil. Now their deeds surround them; they are before my face.
- Hosea 7:2
