He Hears My Cry..

So here recently, I’ve been on a journey. A journey that I never thought I would ever go on.. I was brought to my lowest of lows; I was torn to pieces, and felt ultimately alone in this BIG scary world. I felt very exposed. There were countless days were anxiety suffocated me and I just…broke. I felt emotions that needed to be felt, that I never knew existed. There were days I cried out to God and just felt unheard and abandoned.. Prayer after prayer was spoken, my heart cried out to God to mend my brokenness. To take away the pain that I was dragging around. In a way, I felt as if he had forgotten all about me and left me out to dry. He brought me to the end of myself..

One night as I was driving home from school, I was just SO fed up with God. So instead of going straight home, I pulled over into this patch of grass, and I just let him have it. All the pain and hurt I was carrying, I just poured it all out on Him. It was as if I was beating Him with it. Every tear that was shed, every ounce of anger I had towards Him, was all oozing out of me that night. 

After letting it all out, I get out and sit on top of my car and watched the sunset and found myself listened to the birds chirping and the sound of little kids playing at the park across the street. I found myself staring at the road and how far down it went. Tears falling from my eyes, I thought to myself “this road just keeps on going…” I close my eyes as I felt the warmth of the salty tears fall down my cheeks, I heard a still soft voice say, “This has been a hard road and there are a couple more rough patches coming up.. but I'm still faithful. I'm still here with arm wide open." 

Emotionally exhausted, I leave and life still sucked…

Weeks passed and nothing felt as if it were changing. 

But one morning, in my quite time with Jesus, he met me where I was. And when I say met, I mean with every heart ache, every concern, every worry, every fear, and every ounce of anger that was within me, He tenderly met me there. 

You see, if you didn't know, I struggle daily with who I am as a person and who I am in God. 

In my crazy chaotic brain of mine, I have this image that in a way, is very degrading to myself. I fight myself on the way I look, the way my body is shaped. Let’s just say, self-image is one of my many weaknesses.. but as I struggle with who I am, I am noticing how much society throws so many lies to us. Lies that, we believe those lies scream at us and eventually end up polluting our mind.  

As I observed around me that morning, God was showing me very much so, the ways of this world. Actually, in the past few weeks I have been seeing more and more, the lies of this world, the greed and many who suffer at the hands of wickedness. The Bible says we do not belong here and that we are "aliens" to this world and lately that has never been more evident. Verse 3&4 of Psalm 101 pretty much sums up my day that morning "I will not set before my eyes anything that is worthless. I hate the work of those who fall away; it shall not cling to me. A perverse heart shall be far from me; I will know nothing of evil"

Later on in the day, I was flipping through my bible, and landed on Hosea and started flipping through to see what I could find. I turn to chapter 7 and just start randomly reading different verses

And to be honest, In a way I really wanted this passage to be about the prodigal son.. He does something wrong and then comes running home. With the father waiting on him.

But it's not.

Ephriam is in and out of control. While the people of Israel are so crazed with self-indulgence that they can hardly tell what day it is.. 

They just cra cra..

After reading this passage over and over again, it dawned on me.. God has never changed.

God’s character never changes. His one face is righteousness. His one word is holiness. And His one undying, unrelenting call for His people is love.

And as the ever-faithful God, He remains. Even as His anger burns over the unfaithfulness of His People, He forgives me. He provides for me. He gives me a fresh start. And even, in His severe mercy, He withholds good things from me that I might return to Him.

While Israel bases its bets with other gods, (me trying to put my faith in other things then him) He still has all His money on His one, true love.

 I am His one, true love. Wherever i am, whatever I’ve done, whatever anyone else thinks of me, and however long it’s been since the last time I have really just called Him faithful- He hasn’t changed.

He wants to give me good things. He wants me to delight in Him, to come to Him to supply my needs, to come to Him when i am lonely or happy or angry. He wants relationship, and He wants it with Me.

Even when things are rough, He. Hasn’t. Changed.

I have to be honest, there are moments that the broken i felt is still here, the empty prayers are still prayed, and the pain I felt, is still felt at some point… I confess i still get scared sometimes; but His perfect love comes rushing in. And all the lies screamed inside go silent, the moment He beg. He reminds me of the things forgotten, He unwinds me until I’m totally undone, and His arms around me. Fear was no match for His love. 

So as I sit here tonight, I realize that I am not the only one. In Christ we are so many things. 

You are beautiful 

You are unique

You are loved 

You are Created with a purpose

You are Special

You are chosen 

You are worthy of love and affection

You are never too much, and you are always enough. 

You are precious. 

You are a diamond, a rose, a pearl. 

The most stunning of all God's creation. 

You are worth more than you could ever imagine.

Worth more than a number on a scale; the products you use; how you look; number of followers you have on Twitter;

Your worth surpasses all earthly things, because in the eyes of the Lord, you are loved and you are worth dying for. DYING FOR.

You are strong and capable. Any voices in your mind that try to tell you differently, are from the enemy. 

Regardless of who you think you are. Cheerleader, geek, popular, nerd, or you never had any one to call a friend. Whether you love yourself and love your life. Or you can't stand to look in the mirror and you feel as if everything in your life is falling apart. Whether you are such a winner or you feel like the world’s biggest failure. Regardless of who you think you are, the reality is that Jesus gave up His life for YOU! 

You are no longer a slave to this world, you are a child of God! 

“Yet the lord longs to be gracious to you; therefore he will rise up to show you compassion. For the lord is a God of justice. Blessed are all who wait for Him." Isaiah 30:18 

“But they do not consider that I remember all their evil. Now their deeds surround them; they are before my face.
- Hosea 7:2

Recklessly Abandoned

“Therefore, behold, I will allure her, and bring her into the wilderness, and speak tenderly to her. And there I will give her her vineyards and make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.” Hosea 2:14-15

This past weekend, I decided to be adventurous. I decided to embrace the autumn weather, the crisp cool breeze against my pale cheeks, the crunch of leaves beneath my feet, and decided to go on a hike. I wanted a change of scenery and go do something…out of the ordinary. So as we were hiking, we decided to jump off the trail, and go wherever our feet lead us. If we got lost, which did happen a time or two, so be. I was just going to fully embrace everything that came my way.

As Cassie and I were hiking, we had a moment to just… talk. We knew each other, but we really didn’t “know” each other. We shared a little bit of our stories, laughed, goofed around and just took a step back from the chaos of the world to just enjoy friendship. We discussed trials, heart ache, issues that we see “take over our world.” In that moment, it hit me, I’m not the only one struggling.

You see, for a while now, I’ve stepped back. I secluded myself from my friends, my college group, and in a way, my family. I felt so alone, so abandoned. In my “world” I saw everyone having this perfect world, and I was left alone to suffer. All. By. Myself. Different situations suffocated me; they became my only view, with no hope in sight. Even though I had people around me who reached out to me, loved on me, prayed for me, encouraged me.. I didn’t want any of it. I rejected it, I ran as far away from them as I possibly could. I even remember telling a dear friend of mine to stop praying for me. I simply did not want anything anyone had to offer.

But in that moment on our hike, it clicked with me, “I’m not the only one suffering” I mean, I knew that in my head, but in my heart, I felt all alone in this ugly dark world.

We continue to hike and talk, laugh and cut up, we get to the top of Revelation Peak. At the top of this trail stood a cross with an overview of trees, beautiful trees for miles and miles. The view is simple, yet so beautiful. As we stood, looking at this view, I decide to speak to my creator. I stand at the top of this mountain and cry. In that moment, Jesus met me there. With Him knowing my heart and where I was in my walk with Him, in a still soft voice, He whispers, “I know, and I still love you. I’m right here. Lay it all down… don’t carry this burden anymore… Trust me sweetie, I have you. You’re almost home now, please don’t quit now...”

He met me there, I was “her” in Hosea 2:14. He brought me into the wilderness. He spoke tenderly to me. He met me where I was at. Anger, bitterness, hopelessness, brokenness, and all, he met me where I was. And he welcomed me with arms stretched out, full of so much love and grace. Love that I have rejected for so long. And grace I do not deserve.

Looking back at it, I got to thinking. There is a direct connection between where we live and how we live. The things that occupy our mind and drive our heart will determine the state of our being. If our greatest concern is money, we will be filled with insecurity. If we live in the land of doubt, we will experience continual discouragement. Brokenness may be what God uses to get our attention and introduce us to grace, but living there will produce a spiritual self-pity far from the life of spiritual fulfillment that God desires for his children.

But when we live in the shelter that God provides, we will know a peace that passes all understanding. Living in the “shelter of the Most High” gives us balance with our money, causes inevitable doubt to drive us to the Father for strength, and moves us from brokenness to wholeness in Christ.

Throughout the Psalms, David refers to God as his fortress, refuge, and strength. He faced many physical and spiritual battles throughout his life and saw firsthand how God provides a strong fortress regardless of what attacks us. In the ancient world the fortress was often walled off from the rest of the city, supplied with food, water, and ammunition where the people could be protected and the city could be defended. David knew that he did not need to fear, because in God, he found a fortress stronger than any attack this world could form.

Last night, I sought the Lord. Not only did He meet me again; but I went to him this time.

Bear with me.

As I was outside looking out, I closed my eyes and went to my special place with Jesus.

In my mind, there are trees, there is the same cool crisp breeze that hits my face, leaves crunching beneath my feet after every step I take. There is a pier that is greeted with a gorgeous lake; and the sun that glistens off the sunflowers. Right in the middle of the sunflower garden, sits Jesus, sitting on His throne. Filthy from head to toe, my head down low in shame, I go to Him. As I stand in front of him, He cups my cheeks with His hands, looks me in the eyes and starts wiping away all of the dirt, all of the filth. With each stroke, he is saying “I love you sweet girl” “No more filth, no more shame, no more ugliness.” And he stood there and made me clean.

From there, he picks me up and sits me in his lap, and I just cry. I let it all out. “Jesus, how could you let me go through that? Why didn’t you save me? Why?” He wiped every tear, took me by the hand and says “I love you my beloved. I am so sorry you had to go through that; but know, where evil enters, I am not present. I know how broken you are. Let me piece you back together.” And he fully embraces me. Before I open my eyes, I look up at my heavenly father and he tells me “I will force you to face things in yourself that you will never want to face, but I will greet you with compassion, mercy, and patience…”

We all have our own fortresses that we run to when we face overwhelming circumstances. These fortresses can take the shape of people or relationships. They can also be material things in our lives that we think will bring happiness and take our minds off of our problems. Like David, we should realize that the one true fortress we have is with the one true God. This fortress will always protect and never let

After returning from my fortress with my Father, I learned that when we become Christians, we aren't guaranteed a perfect life. We will still have trials and hard moments. The hard stuff that we had when we were living without Him, will still be there. The one thing that we are promised is that He will never leave us. That in those hard moments, He is right there beside us, asking us to let Him have that burden. When we surrender our life unto Him, we have this promise. He tells us, “I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33) So when we have the hard moments, the times when we feel like He's not around, know that He is still there and that He will NEVER leave you. He has already overcome the world. In that, we have peace. There is no mountain high enough or valley low enough. He's still there.

Here’s the question: Where are you living? Homes of materialism, doubt, brokenness, sexual pleasure, unfaithfulness, pride, and inward focus will all come crashing down around you. But when you move into God’s shelter, you will find “rest in the shadow of the Almighty.”

So, what are you waiting for? It’s time to come home.

Father, I pray for the person whose mind…whose life…is saturated with the things that result in emptiness. Give them the strength to come home today and dwell in the shelter of the Most High.

"I loved you at your darkest"

From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to a rock that is higher than I.

-Psalms 61:2

Many times, I often wonder why bad things happen in this world. Whether it’s personal or universal.

When life begins to crush me, I tend to hide and mask my pain behind my abstract questions like “Where was God when I was hurting?” or “If God is God, then why does he let bad things happen?” or “ Why does evil exist?” and at times, I found myself, running away from God bitter and angry.. not realizing, that when I wave that finger at him, we are actually forfeiting the very thing that will have given me peace that I so desperately need in that very moment.

Personally I think, that if I were to have gotten answers to those questions, that I wouldn't have been satisfied. It wouldn’t have taken away that pain and it wouldn’t give us hope.

As I have read, my heavenly Father perused me first. Without end, loved me first without fault. HE chose ME first! I was on top of His list.

I have come to the very blunt conclusion that I am NEVER going to be good enough to save myself. Anna cannot do that task! I will fall short. I am going to fall hard from trying to be who I want to be.

When Jesus chose me first, he brought me to a place of repentance. Brought me to a realization that I don’t have to try to be more then who I am. In some moments of life, it’s very hard to believe that he loves me like I am, who he made me to be.., I sometimes think he sees my ugly past, my sin, shame and guilt that I carry.. In a sense, I feel like he is going to love the future version of me better, than who I am at this very moment.

BUT

Jesus sees our sin more clearly than anyone, yet he loves us more than anyone.

Jesus has and will continue to daily set me free from all of those lies!

Everyone is broken. He knew how broken we were going to be, I mean, look at what he had to do (John 3:16)

He drank deaths cup. I am outed, my sins are already absorbed on that cross. All my doubts? Absorbed. My fears? Taken care of. Sins? Yeah, that’s soaked in there too!

I need him. I am in need of a savior.. THE savior.

HE has brought me to a place where I can and do know Him so very intimately; where I will now go forth and strive to rely on Him always, love Him always, choose Him always, seek out His will, listen for the sound of His voice, and live for Him, humbly, every day of my life.

Here lately, I feel defeated. I feel like He is nowhere to be found. This road that I am currently walking is a looong rugged road. I am met with death and suffering and brokenness and it’s as if it all gets thrown at me, all at once. I find myself screaming “God where are you?” I pray that in that moment we all might have ears to hear that small whisper in my soul that says “I’m right here next to you. I love you. I’m not going anywhere. You are not alone”

That is what changes the heart.. my heart. That is what gives us hope, that God has not left us out in the rain..