"I loved you at your darkest"

From the ends of the earth I call to you, I call as my heart grows faint; lead me to a rock that is higher than I.

-Psalms 61:2

Many times, I often wonder why bad things happen in this world. Whether it’s personal or universal.

When life begins to crush me, I tend to hide and mask my pain behind my abstract questions like “Where was God when I was hurting?” or “If God is God, then why does he let bad things happen?” or “ Why does evil exist?” and at times, I found myself, running away from God bitter and angry.. not realizing, that when I wave that finger at him, we are actually forfeiting the very thing that will have given me peace that I so desperately need in that very moment.

Personally I think, that if I were to have gotten answers to those questions, that I wouldn't have been satisfied. It wouldn’t have taken away that pain and it wouldn’t give us hope.

As I have read, my heavenly Father perused me first. Without end, loved me first without fault. HE chose ME first! I was on top of His list.

I have come to the very blunt conclusion that I am NEVER going to be good enough to save myself. Anna cannot do that task! I will fall short. I am going to fall hard from trying to be who I want to be.

When Jesus chose me first, he brought me to a place of repentance. Brought me to a realization that I don’t have to try to be more then who I am. In some moments of life, it’s very hard to believe that he loves me like I am, who he made me to be.., I sometimes think he sees my ugly past, my sin, shame and guilt that I carry.. In a sense, I feel like he is going to love the future version of me better, than who I am at this very moment.

BUT

Jesus sees our sin more clearly than anyone, yet he loves us more than anyone.

Jesus has and will continue to daily set me free from all of those lies!

Everyone is broken. He knew how broken we were going to be, I mean, look at what he had to do (John 3:16)

He drank deaths cup. I am outed, my sins are already absorbed on that cross. All my doubts? Absorbed. My fears? Taken care of. Sins? Yeah, that’s soaked in there too!

I need him. I am in need of a savior.. THE savior.

HE has brought me to a place where I can and do know Him so very intimately; where I will now go forth and strive to rely on Him always, love Him always, choose Him always, seek out His will, listen for the sound of His voice, and live for Him, humbly, every day of my life.

Here lately, I feel defeated. I feel like He is nowhere to be found. This road that I am currently walking is a looong rugged road. I am met with death and suffering and brokenness and it’s as if it all gets thrown at me, all at once. I find myself screaming “God where are you?” I pray that in that moment we all might have ears to hear that small whisper in my soul that says “I’m right here next to you. I love you. I’m not going anywhere. You are not alone”

That is what changes the heart.. my heart. That is what gives us hope, that God has not left us out in the rain..