“You have kept count of my tossings; put my tears in your bottle..” –Psalms 56:8
“I, I am he who blots out your transgressions for my own sake, and I will not remember your sins.” Isaiah 43:25
As I am continuing to grow and embracing all of my ugliness, and my faith shifts and becomes stronger, I tend to become frightened by the image Satan has formed in my mind. I am scared of Him not loving the ugly parts of my life. I’m afraid that if I were standing right in front of God Himself, He might turn me away. In result, I try to “hide” who I really am. In result, I don’t run to Him in the midst of a storm. I hold onto the hurts that have been thrown at me. As all the lies build up in my mind, my image of who God is shifts. You see, Satan has a way of creeping in and spitting lies to make me think one way, when in reality, Jesus loves me. He wants me to be happy. He wants me to let go of the hurt, and give it all to Him. He doesn’t want to condemn and point His finger at me all the time when I screw up. He wants me to live a free and happy life that glorifies Him and all that He has done.
Today in the garden, I found myself walking around the meadow looking to see where He has placed Himself. Normally He’s sitting at the end of the pier waiting for me to come dip my toes in the water right next to Him. Some days He embraces me with arms wide open, waiting to just love on me.
When I came in, He was leaning up against the tree eager to see me. He had been waiting so long to see me.
We went over to His BIG chair. He only takes me over there when serious business needs to take place.
He sits down and sits me in right next to Him and says: “Sweetheart, what are you doing… why are you avoiding me? You know your past, I know your ugliness.. but baby girl, I love you so much.”
Giving him the silent treatment, I sit there as the salty tears fall down my cheek. I began to get angry and I start to just hit Him. HARD. Swing after swing. All the anger and hurt and frustration I ever bottled up was being released.
And He just takes it…
Tears rolling down faster, I yell at him and ask “If you love me so much, then why didn’t you save me from everything I went through?”
“Why don’t you just stop me when I get to my lowest of lows?”
“Why can’t you make these memories just go away?”
Breathing gets faster, tears uncontrollable, I just fall even more into his arms and He just holds me.
Minutes pass by without a word being said.
Finally, He picks me back up, cups my sweaty cheeks into the palms of his hands, looks me right in the eyes and says these words to me:
“Beloved, I am so sorry you have been SO deeply hurt. I never had this part mapped out in my plans for you! I cannot be where evil is.. I wasn’t a part of that! I have all of your tears in my bottle, every moan and groan you cried out, baby girl, I heard you and I loved you even more. But I can promise you this, after you have suffered a little while, the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ, will Himself restore, confirm, strengthen, and establish you (1 Peter 5:10) I will never leave you empty. I will replace everything that was lost from you. Please please please, my beloved don’t be so discouraged. Yes, pain is a part of the broken world you live in. BUT I promise you, I will turn every tear you cried into joy. I will use your deep, deep pain into a divine purpose. Don’t try to hide your hurts from me. I see them sweet girl. I know everything about you. You are mine. My Beloved. I am the only one who knows and can handle your heart and restore you back to health and wholeness again. I, too, have felt great pain, rejections, and anger. But we can go through every trial together. Hand in hand I will lead you back to my place of peace and joy after the storm. The sun will shine on you again and your heart will be healed. I promise you, my princess, that when you go through deep waters of great trouble, I will be with you. When you go through rivers of difficulty, you will not drown. When you walk through the fire of oppression, you will not be burned (Isaiah 43:2). When you fall, remember that all have sinned and all have fallen short of my glory, so why won’t you forgive yourself when you fall? Don’t you know that I will pick you up when you call out to me and repent? There is no wrong that can keep me, your King, from redeeming you back to your royal life again. This is a new day and I am ready to do a new thing in you. Let go of your guilt, and trust me to work out what went wrong. Just watch me make you into the person I have called you to be. I am the God of second chances, and my mercy endures forever.”
With no response and tears streaming down, He just held me and I sat presence of my daddy, my Savior.
God know all of our ugly and all of our imperfections. Do not be scared if your perception of God shifts as you grow. Do not shy away from learning about who God truly is just because He is becoming a clearer, more real and personal God, perhaps an even more straight to the point kind of God. His love still endures forever. He is still good no matter how complicated He may seem at a certain valley during your growth.
“Dear my daughter, I created you. I formed you. Fear not for I have redeemed you. I have called you by name. You are mine. When you pass through the waters, I’ll be with you. The waters won’t overwhelm you. When you walk through fire, you won’t be burned. And the flame shall not consume you. I am the Lord your God, your savior. The holy one. You are precious in my eyes, and honored, and I love you. Fear not for I am with you. I created you for my glory. I formed you and made you. I want you to know and believe me and understand that I am he. The Lord. There was none before me and none will come after me. Don’t remember the pains of the past, I am doing new things. I formed you so you would praise me. You aren’t giving me all your heart, you aren’t satisfied in me, instead you have burdened me with your sins. But I am your God. I blot out your transgressions for my own sake. I will not remember your sins. Love, Your heavenly Father”
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